life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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