she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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