Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
