I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize
