I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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