dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
