You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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