I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
