the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
So I just went to clothing optional bar
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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