I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
