i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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