remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
