Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
