sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
