Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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