If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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