she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
