I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
is that a dick in a sweater?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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