She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
