is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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