dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
