The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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