Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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