i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
