if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'm at about main and main street
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
