Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
did i walk over a car last night?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
