She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
