you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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