rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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