Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
