Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Panties = found
Randomize
