I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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