My hand turned me down
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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