three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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