I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
