I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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