I wish my penis had an off switch
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
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