Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Randomize
