this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
