She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
