I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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