Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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