i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I just threw up on my dentist
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
