Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
