I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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