the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
