I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
