I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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