Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
why do cheetos always look like penises
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
