there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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