I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
