she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
