What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize