My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize