yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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