Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Are these your boobs on my camera?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
