I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
i just sent this text using only my big toe
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize