I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
the condom got lost in my hair
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
