Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
