she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
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