I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
