Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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