i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
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