dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
